我要死得比你早

06/07/2015

早上9点半起来,看到我妈妈发给我的信息,外公去世了。

外公是我长大以来第一位去世的至亲。我的爷爷在我出生之前就离开了,所以第一次失去至亲,我的心情很难受。外公是一位很正直很和善的人,因为和他不住在一个城市,所以我在他生前和他一起度过的时光并不多。我印象最深的一件事情是有一次去探望他的时候,爸爸买了一只烧鸡,我,爸爸,外公一起坐下来吃烧鸡。吃了几块烧鸡以后,我爸严厉的教训我,和老人家一起吃饭的时候,不能只挑大块的肉吃,要留给老人家,因为老人的牙不好,不方便啃骨头。我恍然大悟,跟外公道歉。外公没说什么,只是对着我慈祥地笑着。

刚知道外公去世的消息时,我第一个念头就是要给妈妈打个电话,但是妈妈没接电话。于是我又赶紧给爸爸打电话,爸爸说妈妈正在给外公首页,晚上都不会回家睡觉。爸爸的声音听起来也很疲惫,因为开了大半天的车从奶奶家感到外公家。他用疲惫的声音劝我不要伤心,然而我感到自己似乎并没有他们想象般的伤心,于是居然有一点点内疚。刚跟爸爸说完电话,妈妈就给我回电话了,她的声音很平静,她告诉我外公活了83岁,这几年一直病重,很难受,如今安静地走了,也是一种解脱。她也让我不要伤心,不要担心他们。我听得出妈妈的声音虽然平静,但是带点沙哑,她是哭过的。于是我也终于留下了眼泪,哽咽着跟妈妈说让她不要难过,替我安慰外婆。

我妈妈收到我外公病危的信息的时候正在我爸爸的老家跟我爸爸一起照顾我的奶奶。我奶奶前几天摔倒在家里,后脑磕在地上,留了很多血,还有脑震荡,大小便失禁。我妈妈于是做大巴去外公家,我爸爸随后也开车赶过去。结果外公没有撑到我妈妈赶回家,先走了一步。但是妈妈后来告诉我,她回到家的时候,外公的手还是温暖的,柔软的,直到我妈妈在他耳边说完了告别的话语,他的手才慢慢变冷,变硬。

我后来想到,我的眼泪是为我妈妈而流的,是为我的外婆而流的。对于外公的离去,大家也许都有了心理准备,毕竟他这几年已经急救过好几次,好几次都被医生从鬼门关拉回来。但是我觉得再有心理准备,他的离开,都会在所有的亲人心中留下一个空洞。对于我,这个空洞也许不会太大。但是对于我的妈妈,这个空洞是巨大的,对于我的外婆,这个空洞也许比现实还要大。一想到我的妈妈和外婆接下来要和这个空洞一起生活,我就感到很难过。后来,我把外公去世的事情告诉了老婆,也跟她说了我替妈妈和外婆感到难过的事情。她跟我说,这种感受真的很痛苦,她说以后她不希望做后死的那个人。我表示同意,我也无法想象那种感受,我要死得比你早。

最后一次见到外公是三年前,回国的时候我去探望他。他那时候身体已经很差,但是还是坚持做一些手工活,寻找生活的乐趣。他托朋友找到一种叫做降龙木的木材,用小刀把木料雕刻成一个个木雕,挂在家里的每一个角落。这些木雕后来多到家里放不下了,他就送给身边的亲戚朋友。我那年去谈完他的时候也拿了几个这种小木雕,回到美国以后把它们挂在车子的后视镜下面。前两年换车了,我把这个木雕也换到新车上,以后也会换到下一辆车上。我那时候问过外公,这个木雕的形状代表什么,他也说不出来,只是纯粹雕出了一个形状而已,没有任何象征意义。如今我看着它,我想起了我的外公。对于我,它象征着生命。

2015-06-07 14.42.19

#Uncategorized
20 Comments
02/25/2017 @ 04:31

Greetings! Very helpful advice within this article!
It is the little changes which will make the most significant changes.

Thanks for sharing!

Reply
02/25/2017 @ 18:08

Hmm it appears like your blog ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just
sum it up what I wrote and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.
I as well am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to
everything. Do you have any tips and hints for beginner blog writers?

I’d certainly appreciate it.

Reply
02/26/2017 @ 03:34

I have fun with, cause I found exactly what I used to be
having a look for. You have ended my 4 day long hunt!
God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

Reply
02/27/2017 @ 23:30

Hi there just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know
a few of the images aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue.

I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and
both show the same outcome.

Reply
03/16/2017 @ 05:05

Unquestionably imagine that which you stated. Your favourite reason seemed to be at the web the easiest factor to take into accout of.
I say to you, I certainly get annoyed whilst folks think about concerns that they just don’t recognize about.
You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and outlined out the
entire thing with no need side effect , other folks can take a signal.
Will likely be again to get more. Thank you

Reply
03/16/2017 @ 19:27

Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your
blog. You have some really good articles and I think I
would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely
love to write some articles for your blog in exchange
for a link back to mine. Please blast me an email if interested.
Thank you!

Reply
03/17/2017 @ 04:42

I constantly spent my half an hour to read this website’s content everyday along with a cup
of coffee.

Reply
03/17/2017 @ 05:08

Hey there, You have done a fantastic job. I will definitely digg it and personally suggest to my friends.
I am sure they’ll be benefited from this web site.

Reply
03/17/2017 @ 08:21

I got this site from my pal who informed me about this web page and at the moment this time I am browsing this web
page and reading very informative posts at this place.

Reply
03/18/2017 @ 01:42

I do trust all the ideas you have offered
on your post. They’re very convincing and will definitely work.
Nonetheless, the posts are very short for beginners.
May you please lengthen them a bit from next time? Thank you for the
post.

Reply
03/18/2017 @ 03:40

Greetings! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form?
I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble
finding one? Thanks a lot!

Reply
03/19/2017 @ 21:29

Magnificent goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you’re
just too magnificent. I really like what you’ve acquired
here, really like what you’re stating and the way in which you
say it. You make it entertaining and you still take care of
to keep it smart. I can not wait to read far more from you.
This is actually a wonderful web site.

Reply
03/29/2017 @ 23:19

Great post. I was checking constantly this blog and I’m impressed!

Extremely helpful info specifically the last part 🙂 I care for such info
a lot. I was looking for this particular information for a very long time.
Thank you and best of luck.

Reply
03/30/2017 @ 05:12

Hello! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick
shout out and say I really enjoy reading through your
posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same
topics? Thanks for your time!

Reply
03/30/2017 @ 14:23

Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this blog.
It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s difficult to get that “perfect balance” between usability and visual appeal.
I must say you’ve done a amazing job with this.
Also, the blog loads super fast for me on Opera. Excellent
Blog!

Reply
04/01/2017 @ 17:51

Unquestionably believe that which you stated. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the web the easiest thing to be aware of.
I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while
people think about worries that they plainly don’t know about.
You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without
having side effect , people can take a signal.
Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

Reply
04/01/2017 @ 20:20

I know this web page presents quality depending articles or reviews and additional data, is there
any other site which provides these kinds of information in quality?

Reply
04/01/2017 @ 21:32

Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It if truth be told was
once a entertainment account it. Look complicated to far brought agreeable
from you! However, how could we keep in touch?

Reply
04/05/2017 @ 04:54

My brother suggested I might like this web site.

He was entirely right. This post truly made my day.
You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this info!
Thanks!

Reply
04/05/2017 @ 07:18

Hi there! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if
that would be ok. I’m undoubtedly enjoying your blog and look
forward to new updates.

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


*


22 visitors online now
21 guests, 1 bots, 0 members
Max visitors today: 60 at 04:36 am UTC
This month: 106 at 04-07-2017 04:12 am UTC
This year: 120 at 02-12-2017 04:19 am UTC
All time: 162 at 03-04-2011 08:58 pm UTC